Anxiety and PTSD

I am a 36 year old female and no I have never been in the military and yet you probably ask yourself "why/how does she have PTSD?". Well by the time I am done with this post I plan to tell you a little bit of my story, but I also hope by writing this post you will understand the thing you should NOT say to someone with SEVERE anxiety and PTSD.

Here are some of the things I hear and my response to them all: 

• You should just get over it. 

Its not that I don't want to get over it, its that I can't the memories of the past live in my mind all the time and are like are broken record always playing some times very vivid and sometime has me over thinking maybe there is something I could have done different.

• Its all in your head and you just need to work through it

Like the statement about its not all in my head the abuse I went through was very real. I was abused as a child and then as an adult. In an abusive situation you find yourself hoping to make your abuser happy so you get in the mind set of constantly working through to keep the peace in your life.

• I was in an abusive situation to and I was able to get over it and move on with my life if only you are a little stronger. 

Oh, trust me I don't need you to tell me to be stronger or I am weak because in your eyes I have given up. I tell my self that every day and I fight hard every day to get out of bed and face the world, I leave my house when I can to conquer my fears of just going to the grocery store. Moving on for me is a daily battle that I am constantly fighting, so where you see me as weak and where I may feel weak it takes a strong person to fight my battle. 

• I understand what your going through been there done that and I lived to talk about it, and I don't have anxiety or depression or flashbacks why do you?

Well Let me say this to you not every cancer patient is the same each one has fought there battle some of them harder then others. So not everyone who had been in an abuse relationship or abused as a child is going to walk the same journey I realized for some time not that its easier to not talk about it, its easier to be quiet put a happy face on, however that easy can only last so long the struggle on the inside the fight you fight at night when you lay your head down to go to sleep those battles are not so easy to fight.

and my least favorite two comments are,

• Well if you took medicine then you could be an active member of society and you can handle everything better..... or if you went to church and had a stronger relationship with God he would heal you and you would be just fine. 

Let me start with the medicine issue, I have tried meds, for years I have fought this battle with out the help of modern day medicine all under the care of my dr of course, however after realizing I need more help then I could I went on meds and a lot of them were not helpful some would leave me up all night depressed and made the flashbacks oh so bad, can you even imagine waking up from a dream where someone was gunning you down. Yeah probably not well I do and its a struggle a lot of nights. I am taking some medicine now but for one reason or another my body doesn't always respond to the meds like its suppose to. Its a constant battle of hoping just maybe the "miracle pill" is out there and I will find it one day and life will be better but until that day happens I am stuck with this and I will continue to fight this battle and try my damnedest to be strong and get through one day at a time.

To answer the next part of that is I can barely go to the grocery store and get through it without panic you want me to go to a place full of people who talk at you, around you, and to you and survive, oh my, yeah thats not happening at all. I feel when I go places, stores restaurants, the mall, the library even to the gas station, I am on edge I am waiting for something to happen I am waiting for the so call ball to drop. I have a relationship with God he gave me this battle and he said he will never leave me nor forsake me and I believe that but I also believe I don't need to go to Church for that to be true. 

He has also said he would never give me more then I can handle and everyday I pray and say "ok God you gave me this help me get through the day". Some days I don't want to get out of bed the struggle is so real my whole body feels broken my whole soul feels empty and I just want to go back to sleep. Sleep for me is precious, I am starting to realize sleep is precious for so many who have PTSD. Trust me when I say I want sleep and some nights I can get it. 

IF there is a noisy neighbor or if you watched the news that night or read a book that kept you awake because the storyline hit to close to home you are robbed or sleep you close your eyes and the flashbacks state. 

    AT the beginning of the year I was some where I was having a good day (those are few and far between) so I was out and I ran into a store and saw some one who looked like my abuser I froze I didn't know what to do I know my abuser is not around he's over 2500 miles away but just seeing some one who looked like him ruined my day I started to panic which turned to anxiety and then I was physically ill. You see you can not just get over anxiety, you can live in it by choice but you fight for it you stay strong and hope to God you can get out of there before it gets bad. 

I am not asking any one to be politically correct you have to right to do as you please but I ask you the next time you have a friend that comes to you and says "The struggle is really and I have anxiety and I don't know what to do"

• DON'T judge them
•  be there 
• safely love them 
• encourage them
•  hug them 
• Listen to them 
• hold there hand
• Don't tell them to calm down that just make things worse
• Check up on them let them know you care about them and there struggles 

Know they are trusting you to share and trust doesn't always come easy for those who suffer, they are afraid they will be judged unfairly and made fun of. The live in fear all day every day so if they can see you as a calming effect in there life they are more likely to turn to you in time of need to stay grounded then do something stupid. I can honestly say my safe people keep me ground with just a simple I love you, I am thinking about you text message because some day that all they have to give and thats I can take. 

Thank you for taking the time so read my a small portion of journey and I hope it helps someone even if its just a little but please, please be open.

Fathers

So I have been thinking all week about fathers day and for so long I hated this time of year. You see I did not have the best dad growing up and I feel like Father's day is to honor those dads who are amazing so it was just like any other day for me, well until a few years ago. So here are my thoughts on Father's day hope you enjoy. 

If you look up the word dad in the dictionary it simply says "one's father" if you look up Father in the dictionary it gives many definitions but here is one that stood out to me and I will explain why " A man who gives care and protection to someone or something".

As we grow up or at least I have heard in my life time anyone can be a "Father, but it takes a real man to be a dad" and its those men in our lives that we should be honoring on father's day . 

         I have an amazing man in my life who has been important to me for most of my life. He was there for me through the good and the bad he didn't leave and he was quick to show love when I needed it even though he is not a real get in touch with your feelings kind of guy. But I will say this he is also quick to pull me aside if I may be in the wrong about something, and show me the loving way to correct it without judgement, and show me the love of someone even in the good, with a simple smile or hey good job or just and I love you.  He is who I will be celebrating this Father's day, which is my great uncle Russ. 

He served his country and fought hard as a solider and a man. He was there for my family as well as his own family. He has been through what I would say hell and back this past year he was told he needed a new heart but they weren't going to put him on the list to get one and then they decided to do it and he wait for 6 weeks and many hearts later he got one. 

He is ornery and sometime seems to be up to no good but he will always have your back, wrong or right he's will get and then give you crap later (if necessary). Many call him pops or dad or pa some even call him grandpa. 

    I remember when I was 16 almost 17 we moved to Vegas to live with them (temporarily) till we got on our feet as a family so there was 8 of us in a 4 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms and as you can imagine it was crazy. Some of us were in school, some working and we I stayed home for the first month because I was transitioning from homeschool to going to school, well one day my uncle pulled us all out of bed at the but crack of dawn and he started yelling at us to clean the house ASAP, he was off to work and he was not having non of it well I was skittish and started to cry he looks right at me and "says there is no reason to cry so stop it" mind you he was yelling lol :-) (I cried when people yelled it kind of scared me). 

 My bothers, cousins and my self were all out side one day and you hear my uncle (he's under a car) start yelling and my cousin's said "Jump" or "move" and just in time tools came a flying.  There are some many fun memories I look back on that include him in my life. Like him walking me down the isle when it came to get married or when I needed advice on just about anything in my falling down house he was there to guide or talk me through it. Or when you have car trouble he has your back. 

He was just one of those people who had as we say now has "no filter" he had no problem telling how it is but also being loving about it. And that my friends is what I see a "father" truly is. He is someone that can love you in the anger, the fun , the hard times and the good times and you walk away feeling like a better person for it. He has calmed down a lot "in his old age" but he still will love you no matter what he is always there. I think my aunt has something to do with keeping him sane and grounded why the rest of us drive him insane.

God says he is the Father to the fatherless but I also feel like he puts people in your lives when you need them to love you and guide you. He can't be here in the earthly form but he knows just what you need in the earthly form to guide you, keep you safe and love you regardless of your stupid craziness.  He loves us, he sees our hearts, he knows when we are beyond broken and just need a "Dad". 

I encourage you this weekend if you have a Dad and he's who you want to celebrate the go do it make him feel like he matters in your life not for what he can give you but he gave you. If you don't have a dad but you have someone special who is just amazing and loves you even if that my just be your mom the show her or the person how important they are to you, but once again not for what they can do for you but what they have done for you. We simply forget that single Moms have that important rule of dad to and they need to be encouraged and acknowledge on this Father's Day. 

Have a Blessed weekend everyone!!